Monday, February 07, 2005
LIFE
Sometimes it’s good to be oblivious. And sometimes you just can’t get away from the realities of life. I don’t really mind going to the hospital for check ups and all…but when you have this feeling of running into a wall and that wall just won’t come down no matter what you do, it kinda sucks. The wall being the advanced but limited help that human science is allowed to help me at this point….or maybe its help that I don’t think really fits my profile. So what the hell am I talking about. Here’s the dig. I’ll try to keep it short.
Apart from the Grace of God…the only other things that’s sustaining my life at this point is the chemo. I have been on chemo ever since I was first diagnosed with cancer a few yrs back. I was put on it to try and kill off the tumor but that did not work out. So I quit chemo for a bit, until the tumor started spreading again last yr in august affecting both my kidneys. So i started on chemo again and this time just as a measure of control on the tumor itself. Every chemo cycle lasts for about 6 months or more. After which the chances of the tumor spreading again are pretty good. How fast and where the tumor spreads to nobody knows. So if I wanted to live a little bit longer then I’d have to go back for chemotherapy every time the tumor was on the move.
The chemo is both expensive and extremely uncomfortable.
Have you ever felt totally crappy? like you’re going to die from a cold, so weak you cant even walk to get a glass of water to save your life? Feel so tired out but you cant get any real sleep in. Your appetite is screwed. You vomit so much that eating does not seem to be a good option anymore. You can’t get out of the house much because of the scare of infection from big crowds. Concentration drops...and sometimes you ask yourself “why the hell am I doing this to myself?!!” welcome to a little part of a cancer patients life.
Its very simple with chemo. The chemo meds that are pumped into you attack both your good and bad cells(the tumor)…how each person reacts to chemo is very different. The side effects are pretty much the same but most of them can be controlled with medication also. If you can handle chemo….good on you. If you can’t then you might be walking into that light at the end of the tunnel sooner then you think.
I believe the Chemo affects MY quality of life. Yes it might be a “worldly miracle” to some but to me it’s just something that slows me down. And so what if the doctor told me I have 6 more months to live…hey at least I have 6 months to do all that I want to do. I’m the kinda person that always needs to be doing something. I need to have this feeling of being alive. It’s probably one of the reasons why I smile and laugh all the time. Joy is an emotion that evokes life for me….it’s a reason amongst so many others that wants me to feel alive inside. I was telling my Sunday school class that I would rather live out my life till I die happy then be under the constant strain of medication. I would want people around me to remember me as being happy and living my life to the fullest then remembering all the times they had to come visit me in the hospital. I don’t think I’m being irresponsible in my decision to stop chemo but I’d rather think of it as a bold move on my part to live my life the way I see it fit to be lived and knowing that God is with me all the way comforts me tremendously.
At the pith of it all…I sometimes quietly do feel I’m letting my loved ones down by not “fighting” the good fight all the way. I look at my mom sometimes and I think about how she’d feel if I was to die….I shed a tear. I don’t think its morbid…its just that I have a special bond with my mom, and with the many special people in my life. But its cool that the people who are closest to me know me really well and support me all the way.
I personally believe that having a short but fruitful, experienced and God centered (I try so very hard)life is so much better then having a long and un-full filled life. Why go through an adventure or a journey when you’re not even bold enough to step outside your boundaries? Do you want to live your life in regret? Why wait to appreciate life only when something bad happens? You who are reading this entry have been a blessing to me believe it or not. Because I have the chance to tell you about something that might not come your way everyday. Remember to keep reading friends.
…and the Journey goes on. Drive safe.
Sometimes it’s good to be oblivious. And sometimes you just can’t get away from the realities of life. I don’t really mind going to the hospital for check ups and all…but when you have this feeling of running into a wall and that wall just won’t come down no matter what you do, it kinda sucks. The wall being the advanced but limited help that human science is allowed to help me at this point….or maybe its help that I don’t think really fits my profile. So what the hell am I talking about. Here’s the dig. I’ll try to keep it short.
Apart from the Grace of God…the only other things that’s sustaining my life at this point is the chemo. I have been on chemo ever since I was first diagnosed with cancer a few yrs back. I was put on it to try and kill off the tumor but that did not work out. So I quit chemo for a bit, until the tumor started spreading again last yr in august affecting both my kidneys. So i started on chemo again and this time just as a measure of control on the tumor itself. Every chemo cycle lasts for about 6 months or more. After which the chances of the tumor spreading again are pretty good. How fast and where the tumor spreads to nobody knows. So if I wanted to live a little bit longer then I’d have to go back for chemotherapy every time the tumor was on the move.
The chemo is both expensive and extremely uncomfortable.
Have you ever felt totally crappy? like you’re going to die from a cold, so weak you cant even walk to get a glass of water to save your life? Feel so tired out but you cant get any real sleep in. Your appetite is screwed. You vomit so much that eating does not seem to be a good option anymore. You can’t get out of the house much because of the scare of infection from big crowds. Concentration drops...and sometimes you ask yourself “why the hell am I doing this to myself?!!” welcome to a little part of a cancer patients life.
Its very simple with chemo. The chemo meds that are pumped into you attack both your good and bad cells(the tumor)…how each person reacts to chemo is very different. The side effects are pretty much the same but most of them can be controlled with medication also. If you can handle chemo….good on you. If you can’t then you might be walking into that light at the end of the tunnel sooner then you think.
I believe the Chemo affects MY quality of life. Yes it might be a “worldly miracle” to some but to me it’s just something that slows me down. And so what if the doctor told me I have 6 more months to live…hey at least I have 6 months to do all that I want to do. I’m the kinda person that always needs to be doing something. I need to have this feeling of being alive. It’s probably one of the reasons why I smile and laugh all the time. Joy is an emotion that evokes life for me….it’s a reason amongst so many others that wants me to feel alive inside. I was telling my Sunday school class that I would rather live out my life till I die happy then be under the constant strain of medication. I would want people around me to remember me as being happy and living my life to the fullest then remembering all the times they had to come visit me in the hospital. I don’t think I’m being irresponsible in my decision to stop chemo but I’d rather think of it as a bold move on my part to live my life the way I see it fit to be lived and knowing that God is with me all the way comforts me tremendously.
At the pith of it all…I sometimes quietly do feel I’m letting my loved ones down by not “fighting” the good fight all the way. I look at my mom sometimes and I think about how she’d feel if I was to die….I shed a tear. I don’t think its morbid…its just that I have a special bond with my mom, and with the many special people in my life. But its cool that the people who are closest to me know me really well and support me all the way.
I personally believe that having a short but fruitful, experienced and God centered (I try so very hard)life is so much better then having a long and un-full filled life. Why go through an adventure or a journey when you’re not even bold enough to step outside your boundaries? Do you want to live your life in regret? Why wait to appreciate life only when something bad happens? You who are reading this entry have been a blessing to me believe it or not. Because I have the chance to tell you about something that might not come your way everyday. Remember to keep reading friends.
…and the Journey goes on. Drive safe.
Comments:
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Kel, for you to finally decide that stopping chemo is the better choice after putting up with all of its effects, I'm sure it hasnt been an easy decision to make. I truly think you've been really brave and courageous, fighting the good fight all this while. You've basically burnt really bright for His glory, and I'm sure He sees. Now, I want to put across a proposition to you. You may take your time to think through and pray about it before letting me know if you want to take it up.
Here goes...my church has a healing session Every Sun @ 12.30pm and Every Wed @ 4pm. I would be most willing to come along with you. There's some testimonies at http://www.bc.org.sg/life/index.htm .You may wanna read them before you decide.
We dunno what God's plan may be for you at this pt of time, but what we know is that He says to bring all our requests to Him thru prayer and petition. With God, there is hope. I know you love the pple around you a lot. So yups, I thought you shd give this some thought. You've got my number rite? Jus let me know ur decision yah?
Rooting for you!
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Here goes...my church has a healing session Every Sun @ 12.30pm and Every Wed @ 4pm. I would be most willing to come along with you. There's some testimonies at http://www.bc.org.sg/life/index.htm .You may wanna read them before you decide.
We dunno what God's plan may be for you at this pt of time, but what we know is that He says to bring all our requests to Him thru prayer and petition. With God, there is hope. I know you love the pple around you a lot. So yups, I thought you shd give this some thought. You've got my number rite? Jus let me know ur decision yah?
Rooting for you!
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